A moment from May 12, 2022, National Police Week

To the young widow in the bright pink dress,

I think of you often since that day. You are a strong, beautiful, hurting soul and I wish I would have reached out to meet you and hugged you hard. Even though we all have different family dynamics as we arrive to this special event, we are one in that we have and are suffering a deep loss of a loved one. 

Although the day was full of memorial and recognition for their sacrifice, we were all present that day under the worst circumstance. I said to my support team that morning that I had changed out of my bright purplish tank top because everyone else in that city would be dressed in black, navy, gray, tan or green.  But not you, you wore and rocked that bright pink dress. Was it his favorite? Did it have sentimental memories of a date night with your loved one? Did you feel him with you as you looked in the mirror? Either way you were seen, and I loved that you pulled it off perfectly.  I wish you could read this, so you know how bold and powerful it was of you to stay true to your colorful self in such a dark time of life.

Just like you my heart hurts daily and when I said I think of you often, there is more to my thoughts than just noticing you as the only one wearing color in a sea of neutral darkness. They called out his name and you tried, you tried so hard and yet you could not hold it in, you were heard grieving your loss in that silent moment, the crowd of people in silence. 

You are amazing. I would have swallowed razor blades before being confident enough to be “the one that cried out loud.” I want to, trust me. I want to yell and scream, I want to cry so loud the universe hears, but I hold back to prove to everyone I am and will be okay.  I fear the anxiety of everyone knowing it was me, everyone’s heads turned towards my whaling sobs. Not you though, you did not give a $#*& and I envy you for that. We are not raised to know how to respond to grief, no one has it down. Reality is it is how we choose to handle it, yet as humans when someone is different it creates judgement. I do not judge you, my heart sinks for you and I am jealous.  

You are a force. You stayed true to yourself, rocking that pink dress. I am so dang proud of you for expressing your emotions your way no matter who is around. I hope you realize how much respect others have for you after that somber, emotionally beautiful cry out. It stung our core, we grieve for you and your family, and each of us in attendance that day.

Another example of how lucky we are to have loved someone so much, that it hurts this much to lose them. We are loved and they are with angels.

XO, J

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/longing-nostalgia/202206/love-is-source-strength-in-coping-grief

Trust me I get it. 

I didn’t rush to get my vaccine either. 

-I already had Covid. sucked and definitely not just the flu. Yes, all individual experiences vary. 

-I wanted to wait to just make sure that it didn’t cause complications for those of us that have autoimmune issues. 

-I don’t like putting meds in my body, they make me feel more off than just suffering from whatever they are supposed to treat. -Even though I’ve eaten “McDonalds” in my life..I just wasn’t sure how I felt

-I definitely didn’t want the government to tell me that I had to.. in order to keep my job. My body is not anyone’s property. 

After lots of up, downs and sideways.. we decided to go get a vaccine.. 

It was too late. 

My boyfriend was already sick. He tested positive a few days later and he was admitted to the hospital a few days after that. He is on the one approved antiviral treatment and masked with oxygen. Covid won’t allow him to keep a healthy level of oxygen saturation, his lungs can’t keep up with just tiny little movements. 

Everything else checks out. 

Covid has taken over. 

He told me today his body is exhausted and he doesn’t know how much longer he can do this. 

He and I don’t see eye to eye on mental health, mind over body, asking the questions, wondering if he’s in the best hands. If the medical staff are doing everything and all they can..  they are doing good but is it enough? Are we maxed on possible treatments? Are they feeding him foods for lung health? Is he magnesium deficient, can he get that in his IV? What else can be done alternatively? Why don’t they have him moving around? Our bodies need movement right? 

Today the doctors tell him not to be on his phone, not to communicate with his humans, to rest as much as he can. Saving breath I guess? He follows their orders, I ask too many questions. 

And I’m left in the dark. Battling between this isn’t anything about me and how I feel, and trying to protect my loved one. 

Here I am no communication. No visits. No updates. Frustration and anger. Sadness..breaking point and beyond. What if’s. How comes. It’s all there. 

I’m not here to say do one thing or another. I’m here to tell you how broken I am. Helpless. 

If you can help yourself or your loved ones to avoid where he is at, try. 

If you care to avoid leaving your loved ones feeling like I feel, try. 

Maybe his whole situation could’ve been avoided, maybe it couldn’t have. We don’t know. 

But it sucks. 💔❤️‍🩹 prayers, vibes, thoughts all appreciated. 

PS: Don’t you dare fucking come at me with anything negative regarding these words. Loves. ☮️

That barista who asked you to wear a mask, yeah, they just want to make your day with a good coffee and a smile. They left their children emergently with a friendly neighbor after their babysitter bailed, it’s been a rough morning.  They just want to get paid, so they follow their companies rules regardless of their opinion. It’s been over a year of handling opiniated customers and they are exhausted. #coffeeissanity

That local business employee who couldn’t offer you a complimentary mask after a year of closures due to staffing, and sidewalk pickups only, the owners can barely afford to pay their employees and business costs, let alone supply their customers with masks. #shopsmall

The person who you just looked up and down instead of greeting them with a simple smile just left a bad abusive relationship and is very insecure about their body. They saw your eyes lay judgement and you triggered their depression. It was their first time out of the house in a month. #mentalillnessisntseen

The woman in line with you getting groceries recently miscarried after months of trying to get pregnant and you said to her in desperation, “oh my God these kids, I need a glass of freaking wine.” She only dreams of being a mother wrangling children at the store. #lookingfortherainbow

The teenager you glorified drinking alcohol to when you asked them how many beer kegs will be at their HIGHSCHOOL graduation came home to a mother who has worked her ass off trying to raise her children to respect the laws and hopes they don’t rush themselves into adulting, especially when alcoholism runs in their family history. #adultingsucks #mamatries

All those conversations where you repeatedly said, “you can’t wait until they are 18” to your friends, your child hears you and it says you’ll give up on them and they won’t matter. Especially when you’ve spent the last few years cheering yourself on to that last child support payment, that’s just gross. Those young adult years are very impressionable and more support is sometimes needed. #mamabearforlife

That Bible verse you quoted in your social media post contradicts the next post you made about being disrespectful and judgmental to others, I am not sure God appreciates that, but I guess you’ll be forgiven on Sunday. “Luke 6:37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned” #GodseesALL

The mom you met at gymnastics and said “Let’s do a playdate, I’ll bring the mimosas” is a recovering alcoholic and would LOVE to have a playdate however won’t be able to show up due to anxiety over being the only non-drinker. #stopglamourizingdrinking

Changing your mindset and releasing negativity has more depth that just the shallow definition of the words. Mindset can be a plethora of situations. It only asks you to open your mind and your thoughts to a less selfish view of society and all its disasters. Releasing the negativity helps you to enjoy your days and your life no matter how you believe or what you have been through, it’s not being a follower, its BREATHING and being yourself but also taking a step back and seeing more than just your world. #reeducation

All we can do is start by being more understanding that we are all human, we are doing what we must do to crawl into bed at the end of our day, hoping to feel like we bettered ourselves and society BS 1% than the day before. 

@giveyourbodysomelove

It’s been about a year since I’ve written. I guess it’s safe to say that it was probably best I kept my 2020 thoughts to myself.

A glimpse of notes in my notepad I saved during the changes of a pandemic driven lifestyle.

Nov 28, 2020 – I don’t see it. I hear it exists but I don’t let it into my heart. I am aware of the pain some don’t have control over. Those that are freaking out because they feel lost. I don’t see it. I guess I surround myself with the right persons, the right accounts. I’ve learned to not listen to the hate and continue to learn and teach. I don’t see it because I choose not to. It’s my choice and it feels good that I am not being swallowed by the wave of emotions some are feeling. I’m proud of myself for continuing to do good work for my brain and my heart. I send hope. I encourage you to unfollow those who cause you pain not just in social media and media, unfollow those who cause you pain with their actions and their words. You can be okay. I believe in you. I care hard. I’ll be here always. 

Ahhh the good ol’ notepad. Moving on… 

If I could choose one word to put value to 2020 it would be reconnection.

Not only have I reconnected with some awesome friends from my past I have most importantly reconnected with my own self. I spent the last 6 months of 2020 as a single woman. I spent the last 6 months learning to be who I want to be and no one can tell me any different. I don’t need society or peer pressure to choose my path. I can make changes without judgement. Or should I say, without CARING about the judgement. I can be happy when I choose. I can sleep when I want to sleep. I can breathe when I want to breathe. I can smile when I want to smile. And you know what else, I can also cry when I want to cry. I can be quiet without being questioned. I can feel what I want to feel and when I want to feel it, and I can react to those feelings as I see fit. Tell me I’m selfish and I’ll agree, because selfish in my heart is a positive attribute as long as it is in the right context.

I spent time freeing myself of the self-isolation of never knowing. Never knowing what each day would bring, never knowing if saying something would trigger others. It feels so damn good to put myself first. Reconnecting with someone I may have never even known. I know so much of that comes with growth.  I’ve spent years waiting for someone to come along to be proud of me, to lift me up when I needed it most and to be excited about life by my side. I have learned to be proud of myself. I’ve taught myself ways of lifting my spirits when it’s needed or forcing myself to push through hard times even when it’s easier to stay in bed. I am excited about life and all I can do is hope that by sharing that I am able to spread that to others. 

I say out loud to others that I am aware I am not easy to love. I’ll be completely honest, I have thoughts and proof on where I fail. I know I’ve never pushed myself to be completely with another. Someday maybe I’ll accidentally find someone that allows me to feel supported and vulnerable without tension and guilt. I know now that I cannot be loved my others if I do not love myself completely. I have known for a while that is true, no excuses but I mean I guess you just have to assume it wasn’t meant to be. There is still work to do that is for darn sure. I don’t really want to be single the rest of my life, I think I have a side to me that no one has even seen. In June I met with a spiritual medium, she started off immediately with you know you are an empath right? I said, “I do, but don’t you dare tell anyone” I don’t imagine I’ll ever be able to bring myself to put into words (that others could read) the deep thoughts I find myself day dreaming about. Keep those feet grounded woman! No one wants to know your cheesy unrealistic dreams! If I ever do decide to date (literally feel my throat close just saying that, ugh!) I will share some non-negotiables that my therapist suggested I write down. (and stick to!) Here goes nothing! 2021 a year to be more vulnerable than ever I guess, gulp!

Non-negotiables: Friendly/Open, Energetic, Positive, Show empathy, Engaging, Pleasant to others, Supportive, Respectful

I read those to a best guy friend and he said you better add honest, communicative and loyal, so I did.

I also have “clean” and that one just makes me laugh, I am sure I wasn’t thinking like hygiene even though that is important of course, I just think I mean conscience of the little things, the “adulting” part of life we all have to do even if we don’t want to. I really don’t know what I meant by that but I won’t take it off the list because one of these days it will make sense.

And there you have it friends.. this post wasn’t going to go that direction but there it went..laid it all out there. Ha!

What will I do in 2021? 2020 has shown the beginning of the adjustment of what my future holds. I’m terrified. Terrified that the loneliness that I sometimes feel could take me away in 2021. I HATE sitting alone during meals, I do it but damned if I’m getting used to it. It simply is the worst. A person loses their identity once they spend 20 years being “mom.” I don’t have a life! I laugh because it’s true. Most of the time I am completely content with a quiet, simple, easy life of just me, however I don’t remember how to be that person. TG for therapy!! The things that therapy has helped me through is the toughest part of being a single mother, when the time of life settling down arrives. No more games to attend, no more projects to stay up late working on, no more birthday parties or sleepovers. No more banquets or music concerts. The calendar becomes empty. I find peace when I scroll through my calendar and there is nothing, however it truly is an adjustment when the kids grow up and don’t need you as much as they did. I’m staying positive as I look forward to spending some time with them making memories in the future as we all adapt and change into our next family chapter. I really should say as I am a part of their next chapters. I hope they remember my existence! 

My therapist suggested working on finding a hobby and some friends. I laugh now because as I type that it sounds so simple. Ummmmmmmmmmmm. It’s not! I found a side hustle to work as a hobby and in that I have found some amazing friends. I can feel the energy in my body rise just typing that last sentence, it has been such an amazing ride already and it’s only just begun! 

All in all, 2020 wasn’t half bad. I am aware others had different experiences, trust me, we are all very much not the same, and that is okay. I, personally, was able to get some much appreciated down time. I supposed getting broken up with during a suggested social distanced situation may have helped. I didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything. If I didn’t go anywhere it was a good thing.  I was able to hunker down and reconnect with some feelings. I was able to slow down and really feel the “warmth of the sun on my face.” 

I look forward to 2021. I will continue to reconnect with the energy I know I am meant to have. I will continue to find success in relearning who I am. I will continue to be excited to grow into a new stage of our family. I will have ups and downs, moments where I choose quiet time over my renewed energy, but I’ll be honest, I couldn’t be more okay with that. Never once was I told life was going to be easy, I wouldn’t want it to be easy. I thrive off of adventure and finding success in accomplishments. All I can do is keep living for myself and be those non-negotiables for my children as they grow into their adult lives. I can’t expect someone else to have those qualities if I don’t have them myself.  As we all know, we are ALL a work in progress. Are you challenging yourself?

Well..well..well, a decade ending. As I was driving home after work yesterday I had a thought and remembered I started a blog once, so I would try to write about something as we enter 2020. This will be nothing in the category of profound, FYI.

Pride (noun)

– A feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one’s own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired.

– Consciousness of one’s own dignity

– Confidence and self-respect as expressed by members of a group, typically one that has been socially marginalized, on the basis of their shared identity, culture, and experience.

– The best state or condition of something; the prime.

Or the Verb usage

– be especially proud of (a particular quality or skill).

Sounds like a really cool feeling if you ask me! However, perception of pride sometimes creates negativity and I don’t like it. How something that sounds so wonderful is deemed to be cocky, or stuck-up, or sometimes even called crazy? How does something so outstanding put you on the outskirts? It says right there, feeling as if you are in your prime. Why do I feel like being outwardly proud of something or someone gets judged in a negative light?

I’ll be honest here sometimes I think about the work I have put into raising my children. I think about where I am in life. I think about what I have, not only at my grasp but also what I have in my surroundings and in my soul and I wish things were different. I do not regret any choices I have made but sometimes I wish I was surrounded by more positivity and wonder if I could find a way to survive AND show pride, be accepted and still feel like I make a difference. What changes could I make that would create energy in my soul.

We all say, “I am proud of my kids no matter what.” Can you FEEL it? I do. TO.THE.CORE. On the daily I think about my children and tears well up in my eyes. It was not always easy. I never expected it to be. To wade with me and grow into the humans they are, I am in awe.  I could not be more proud to be called Mom. I am not super proud when I get called Mom in a very loud manner from the bottom of the stairs but I’ll pick my battles. I look back at some of the changes the three of us have made, adapted to, and conquered with our heads held high and am so grateful for those two children of mine its beyond words. They aren’t always proud of me, but I will always be proud of them and I don’t care who chooses to judge me in any way when it comes to how I have chosen to wade through motherhood. Clearly those who judge should be more self-present, if you have time to judge me you must be missing out on something you could be proud of for yourself.

Should we be in a job that makes us proud, probably?  I used to be. I would be excited to put on the uniform. I would be excited to see what the day’s adventures held for me. I was excited to do the job I was hired to do. I haven’t changed jobs and the pride has dwindled. The environment at my job is toxic. The toxicity comes from the top and like lava it slowly moves down and takes you out. Remember that game of telephone? You learn not to trust anyone, different writing, not anything pride worthy. Moving on!

What I want to express is that if you are a person who chooses the negative vibe on a daily basis, keep it to yourself. You have no business ruining other people’s perception of pride and not allowing them to be themselves. If you don’t like someone, move away from them. If you don’t like that a happy person is around you, guess what… TOO EFFING BAD. We don’t need your glares, or your gossip. Go tell someone who cares and even then good luck. No one wants your piss poor attitude around, not only does it smell like trash, it brings “the toxic” everywhere you go and why would you want your brain to have to live in a barrel of trash every single day. Pull your head out. A) It could be worse B) It’s not that bad C) Being negative is the easy way out. Give yourself the challenge of setting a better mindset each morning. It is a choice.

With that said, personally, I have suffered. I feel as if I have to box up my personality just to not be treated different or be misunderstood, to fit in.  I have to quiet my feelings, thoughts and adjust my opinions. Unfortunately it doesn’t just stay at work either. That constant feeling of being misunderstood goes two ways. At first I become aloof, like, “Are you serious right now?” you could not have even listened (or read) to what I said. Then I separate myself from them, this takes a toll on a day. Next I get sad because I am not that complex of a person, where is it I am so misunderstood. Do others fear a confident, pride bearing woman? I have to chalk it up to others creating their own conclusions based on their expectations. Just because it doesn’t go along with what you think or want to say doesn’t mean I am wrong. Hearing something other than what you may think you should be hearing should NOT create misunderstandings. Everyone’s expectations are different that doesn’t make them stupid. Maybe this New Year I’ll choose to not allow others to dull my shine. It takes a lot to continuously remind myself that I am just not for some.

Pride is family. Not all are lucky enough to have a family like I do. I have written about cousins, parents and siblings before, but the boyfriend, sister-in-laws, nieces and the nephew as well as the friends that have stuck by my side for many years bring a sense of pride.  All of these folks really make a heart happy. With happy comes pride. Very few times do I feel like I disappoint this group I call family, I don’t always love myself but I do know I can surround myself with these happy people and regain some happy if I need it.

This circle around the word pride as I drove down the interstate created some questions and I just felt the need to put it down on paper. I am not sure how you all feel about the perception of pride but if you just read this now you know how I feel. I am realizing I am going to go into 2020 working really hard on not caring how others perceive my pride. I will work hard on staying true to myself not only for myself but to represent those that want to choose happy, proud and remember that we all have our expectations. Try not to dull others because you expect, or expected something to go differently. Choose pride. Choose kind. Choose positivity. And if none of those jump at you as things that are important to you then I hope you choose to keep your distance. #wedontwantyourtoxic

2019, you were a snack. Bring on the full meal 2020!

Let me see if I can get through this without a total breakdown.

This life. I love this life. However I have said in prior posts I have never been truly happy. Simply put I do not believe there was ever a time where I felt good about me.

I was rather active growing up. I played outside. I competed in sports. Our family spent time outdoors. I know I roller skated a lot, so much so one time my name got announced over the loud speaker at Wheels West for being the “fastest on the floor!” I have never figured out how they knew my name, but I remember vividly there were carpeted pillars that stuck out from the walls of the rink and this mom had her arm up on the wall helping her child skate. I was so super cool then I skated under her arm like a little trick pony. I am laughing right now wondering if maybe I crashed, hit my head and just think my name was announced?!? Maybe I dreamt it. I will never know the real story, so I am just going to keep on thinking how incredibly awesome it was to get my name announced over the loud speaker. Those years I truly thought I was happy.

High school was brutal. I think back and wonder if I was just really hard on myself. Did I have the anxiety I do now and not realize? I always thought I was confident enough on the outside and hid the mental struggle of hating myself well enough to just get through all the days without anyone knowing the thoughts that ran around in my head every single day. I was never good enough, but I thought I was happy.

After graduation I feel like I used a few vices to numb trying to get through life. I can admit I do one of two things, work my ass off so I don’t have time to be around others or even have to make plans or socialize, or make the plans and numb myself to the point of not caring about my actions or my surroundings. I thought I was happy then too.

Dropping out of culinary school about 1999-2000, going back to my favorite catering/restaurant job, getting pregnant, getting into my favorite insurance job and keeping busy doing all the mom things, I have always been up and down in weight, up and down in size, and up and down in happiness.

As I have grown I realize you only get one chance to take care of yourself. I have done allllllllll the things to “diet” or magically melt into a puddle of promises by taking a miracle pill. One time I felt ok. One time I was able to lose 50lbs and I was running a bit here and there. I know the difference from all the other times and that one time. I had a support system. Was I happy?

In 2008, I was hired and being sent to a law enforcement academy. I had gained most of that 50lbs back. Here I was again hoping to conquer that life long struggle. I wasn’t at my best when I went but I graduated the four month course without struggle. The physical aspects of the training were a mandatory run, defensive tactics, tactical shooting courses, being sprayed with pepper spray, handcuffing and baton courses. The physical training included a variety of hard work outs. It was the standard idea of test the students at the beginning and test them towards the end to see the improvements. The run we had to actually be under a certain time, that I passed the first time out. I have never been afraid of a hard workout. I rather enjoy lifting, medicine ball routines, heavy bag punching and kick boxing days, and even the occasional spin class with an instructor that liked to jam to loud Irish music. I enjoy an awesome grueling workout, there is something about being all sweaty and red faced that makes me feel badass. I will admit that feeling after a good workout makes me so flipping happy.

All 40yrs of my life knowing I was a “big girl” hurt but being told I was a “big girl” hurts more. You truly remember those words all the way down to your core. The fact that someone thought it was okay to say it to my face, no matter what point in life you are in, is yet another issue with our perception of others being jaded.

All of that to say “big girls” aren’t always “overweight and out of shape.” They aren’t always lazy and careless with taking care of themselves. SOME of those big girls are rather tough inside and out and its society that brings them down. It takes a strong person to overcome the bull crap society has created and for us to learn to love ourselves. We can be strong. We can be active. We can work hard. We may not be noticeably toned or fall under that dumb label of being skinny. We were born to be badass and if you can’t see that then the issue lies within you.

I have been a part of a workout community for over three years and before that I was hitting the gym at work hard doing both cardio and weights. Embarrassed to be in the gym with other coworkers, I wouldn’t go if they were there or I would go outside and run/walk for my time. Eventually I gained a little bit more confidence and maybe even some respect from the others. I was never getting results. I wasn’t gaining much for happiness either.

The workout community brought a whole new level to this adventure. Guess what! They were easily accessible at home away from the judgements. They are hard workouts if I want them to be with weights or HIIT among many other options. There are low intensity workouts as well as yoga, dancing, even 20 minutes in and out. There wasn’t room for excuses with all of those options. For a while I downloaded the programs and did them at work as well as going home and doing another one, doubling up on calorie download. I worked so flipping hard. Barely seeing any results. For years the scale has stayed the same which to be honest isn’t my worry. Again, being that “big girl” the scale has never said anything but a number. However I felt better about me. My skin was brighter. My sleep was so good. My mood was better. Things were looking up. Results were still not very noticeable, and no one did the wanted, “Dang girl you are looking so good!” Still struggling with happiness.

Then the pain started. I have always had back issues. I have always had wrist issues. My knees got rough. I was just pushing and pushing until I finally had to talk myself into a really long break. The dreaded phone calls to doctors became something necessary and I do not “do” doctors. Blech!

I had to remind myself I am 40. I shouldn’t ignore this much pain. So I went. Arthritis is all they say I have in my lower back, thank you epidurals and spinal taps for your generosity. My wrists are old injuries that flare up, no big deal, however sucks to plank and even try to do pushups. I started a psoriasis medicine that has given me those guaranteed extra pounds and a referral to an arthritis doctor expecting psoriatic arthritis diagnosis. Ten years of awful psoriasis all over my body I blame on stress of this job since it started AT THE ACADEMY! Grrr, Stress is the devil.

Well its not psoriatic arthritis but those sweet spots he poked on me, they call them trigger points told doc something else. The elbow pain I had been experiencing even just driving. The constant neck and shoulder pain I usually blamed on tension. The IT band pain around my knee straining into my shins causing immediate shin splints depending on the workout. My lower back, my hips everyone always thought was Sciatica, and that horrible awful tight spot where your bra fastens between the shoulder blades but right in the middle of your back when all you want to do is for someone to grab your scapulas and pull them away from each other hoping it would pop. All of those tender spots that aren’t actually joints were/are on fire. En Fuego! Not a burning feeling but damn they all hurt and I truly have been suffering for a very long time from what I am being told is Fibromyalgia.

It is one of those umbrella diagnosis I think that doctors can tell you, give you a prescription and get you on your merry way, but I have read enough now to think for once maybe I found a good doctor. I haven’t really processed it all yet. I may go and get second opinions. I will admit it threw me a million feet backwards in my world. My world of finding happiness in hard workouts and being active and just go-go-go all of the time came to a stutter stepping halt.

I won’t get into the whole what I have to do or what I should do and how it all works. There are so many in our world that suffer from hidden chronic pain. It is an epidemic. It also saddens me to no end that something somewhere as we grew up has created this havoc of humans suffering day in and day out. (Totally different conversation, maybe someday)

When a doctor tells you the goal is to get “More good days than bad.” (Hang on … this is where I was hoping not to breakdown)…

The throat lump appears because that hits home. That hits me right in the chest, because it is so bleeping true. You truly have to put so much effort in to feel just okay, and the days you feel good you want to do everything you can and when you do too much you crash… hard. I am supposed to be an active mom, an adventurous woman, a fun auntie running around and playing crazy games, I am supposed to be fit, fabulous and awesomely inspiring to myself and others, how can I be in this much pain and limited energy and be who I grew up wanting to be.

I will find my way of handing this, I have a few things I have been doing here and there. Winter is a yatch and I am a bear, but I anxiously await spring and look forward to warmth and sunshine. I will be alright. I have to get over this slump and get back into moving forward.

I firmly believe that I can be better than this diagnosis. I was raised tough. I am tough. I can deal with the pain in order to find happiness. “Big Girls” are some tough mofo’s friends.. We will do what we set our minds to. We may need you to accept us “as is” because you know what, you NEVER know what lies underneath this body.

Let us bring more love in to the world by learning acceptance. Accepting that some may not physically appear in pain, and some of those “big girls” can hold their own, accepting that you truly never know how your words cut, and your looks sting. You never know how hard it was for that person to get out of bed, and you never know how awesome their soul is if you choose to judge them from the outside first and never take the time to get to know the inside.

I find hope and strength in that soon I will again put myself out there doing my thing, posting on Insta or Facebook my sweaty selfies, but this time I get to know I am doing it for myself and doing it for others who suffer from chronic pain. I believe someday I will make a difference in my life and hopefully others who share the same struggle. Would love to hear from you, please reach out if you are reading this!

I will find happiness in health, mind and body. I will not lose ME in the walls of a diagnosis.

A new post after throwing myself out there is very hard to put on paper. I have driven up and down the highway thinking of topics, how I felt about them, where I should go from here, who do I want to reach.

I am a mom. Let me try topic number #11 in this sea foam green book. I’ve never started a list from the top and I read magazines from the back to front, so let me see where this takes us!

#11 Single Mommin’ It

I technically became a mom around New Year’s 2001. Ask me if I knew in April.. NOPE! There were no signs and nothing had gone missing ah hem so it never crossed my mind. I was gaining weight but I also was not taking care of myself so Old Navy’s clearance section had become my best friend. I went and purchased these men’s grey workout pants to go play softball in. I am sure I threw a bunch of negative self-talk at myself for allowing myself to become such a fat ass. And off I went to meet up with the team.

ONE DRINK of a jack and coke and I had to run out of the bar and I threw up everywhere. I knew what was up right then and there.

The sweetest person I know, Sarah, had quite the look on her face when I said “Will you do me a favor tonight. Will you get pregnancy tests and come over to the place I am house sitting.” I will never forget taking that test with her and eating Arby’s. My life just threw me a twist. I know we giggled and she said “JAMIE” more than once. Ahh sweet SB how I love you.

All of the things happened in the next five months. I told my parents, everyone else gets to finding out, I napped, I ate medium mostly rare steaks with lettuce and ranch, I napped, I shopped, I wore homemade muumuus, I was happy, I napped.

I remember some key points to being pregnant with my daughter. I did not tell her father until I knew what gender the baby was. I remember him telling me he would call me back. I remember him telling me his Dad watched his face become ghost white. I remember he gave up a lot to come to Montana to be a Dad. If you have read my other posts you know how that went.

I remember the baby shower. Wow, she was spoiled! The insane amount of love that girl received and still receives is incredible. I have and cherish the handmade quilts, the picture frames, the stuffed animals she won’t let me part with. After the shower my aunts came over to my little house. One aunt saw that my humongous pregnant self was sleeping on mattresses on the floor. I had a bed frame the next day.

I didn’t have a phone while I was pregnant. It was one of my favorite parts. I went to work, ran my errands and went home. I got to sleep when I wanted and as long as I wanted anytime I wanted with zero distractions. Oh how I love to sleep.

This is making my nerves bind to put this down but it is my story, my life and I live how I choose so here it goes. One of the hardest things I have ever put myself through was being told I had to do a paternity test. Since I am an honest person, the state required it in order to do all the state things. I wasn’t exactly making the big bucks to support myself and my daughter so yes the system helped me through the rough times. I KNEW the answer by looking at her, but unfortunately my philosophy wasn’t a qualifying determination. I felt terrible about myself. I was right by the way! I remember after it was all done, running into the family of the friend that wasn’t the match. I could feel their vibes and read their minds. They were thinking holy crap this baby is so cute we wish she was part of our family! You know who you are and always know that even if that wasn’t your thoughts, I appreciate your respect and your love even to this day.

One of the comments I heard while I was registering at the hospital for her birth was from a high school acquaintance and the nurse who happened to be working with me. She said to me something to the tune of how glad she was to see me healthy, that she had heard I was quite the partier and was just glad to see I was doing well. Those aren’t her exact words but I’m not going to put those in writing. She didn’t hurt my feelings, she did open my eyes.

That little bald beautiful girl was born healthy and on her own time. I had so much support during all of my pregnancy and afterwards. She was loved, beautiful and awesome. I was actually really happy to not have to share her. I got to name her myself, I got to do everything myself, it was great. I wanted to call her what her name is and I was pulling all these big names to use and then nickname her. Eventually I was like this is dumb, I will just name her what I want to call her anyways! Why do we have to be all fancy?

I am proud to say that even though she wasn’t born in societies “perfect” world expectations I never felt judged or as if others were saying things behind my back. I am sure there were some words that would hurt me to know however I was happy, she was my world, I didn’t need anyone else to rain on my parade.

I do laugh because I NEVER would go anywhere by myself especially to like rent a movie (yes I am that old!) Once I had that pregnant belly I was with someone. Once I had that car seat with the cutest little girl in the world in it, I proudly rented videos to go home and watch alone.

I had help of course no one can do it on their own. However I did it on my own 98% of the time.

When I got pregnant with my son I was in a relationship. I did get engaged to his dad. I’m trying to remember the timeline on all of that but it really isn’t important.

I ate a lot of Dairy Queen. Luckily I didn’t gain near the weight with this pregnancy. I am not a small person so my weight has always been crazy up and honestly crazy down. Just depends on what I have going on.

Since I was in a relationship I feel like it was easier but I truly cannot remember much of it. Do you find yourself blocking out memories of lives you had.

We had the fun stuff, the finding out it was a boy, shopping for a little boy, and I don’t really remember a shower. I am really blanking right now about being pregnant with him. Yikes! Mom Fail!

I know I was laboring all day. I had to get a grooms cake baked and delivered. I was shopping for the ingredients and having contractions. I baked a delicious German chocolate cake from scratch and got it delivered to the party. We stopped by my parents and were playing some Mancala and the contractions were rather timely. My fiancé was beside himself when my mom asked if she should keep my little girl because it appeared that baby boy was going to arriving sometime in the night. Good plan by my mother.

I labored at home as long as I could possibly handle the pain and then took a shower. When I went into labor with my daughter it was awful being at the hospital that long so I was going to stay home as long as I possibly could with my son.  I woke his Dad up with enough time to get dressed and get us to the hospital. I remember we laughed because it was two in the morning and we were passing our friends that were out as we were heading to have our kid. We also discussed the names we had picked out and both the names we had liked flew out the window on our way to the hospital and it was decided then his name would be what it is. I love his name! He was pretty funny when he realized his sister had a palindrome name and he wanted me to change his name to Racecar. Share my blog if you “get it”, wink.

So here is the single mom stuff. That fiancé didn’t take me to the altar. The relationship went really sour. The friendship even more sour. Life was always drama and never ever easy. The co-parenting life is beyond exhausting if there is drama. People.. listen.. it does not have to be that way! You can easily raise a child without being evil to each other. Drop me an email if you need any advice. I cannot preach this enough, you are only hurting the child. It is not worth it, ever. You are just wasting energy that can be put into your child’s time with you. Give them your all.

I was a single mom of two littles, working full time, doing a little friendly catering on the side, trying to afford child care and gas to get them ran around, and put food on the table with a huge heat bill in the winter and a sauna of a house in the summer. I loved that house. It was my great aunts house and I probably have never been able to say thank you enough to have the privilege of living there for so long. I grew up a lot in that house. I would put bets on the fact that the neighbors most likely appreciated the latter me than the earlier me.

I was on state assistance. Never food stamps, but the kids had WIC. We were helped with daycare costs through a program called Family Connections.  It never ceased to amaze me the quality of life some of the mothers in those waiting rooms had chosen. I am sorry, there is zero excuse for your child to be in pajamas at a 2:00 appointment. I won’t mention the parents in the pajamas. Insert eye roll. You can tell me all day long you didn’t choose to have that life, but you did. If I can hold a job, and take care of two littles, so can you. You might have to get off your couch.

We lived a block away from low income housing. We would go on walks by houses with new cars, big screen televisions on their walls watching cable, pets, and the trash cans after holidays full of the packaging of opened gifts.. Don’t even get me started! I could barely qualify for that day care assistance, didn’t have cable, I wasn’t out getting my nails done, and I certainly wasn’t buying elaborate gifts. There was no way we could have afforded pets. One time we got goldfish and the kids thought they needed a bubble bath. Fish don’t like to breathe soap. Take note. Anyways I will step down, but know that I was working my ass off, doing everything for my kids, and struggling while I watched the system get taken advantage of around the block. My kids got rainbow goldfish crackers or special cereal as gifts. They had plenty don’t get me wrong, we have a lot of family that loves them very much.

It is pretty frequently I get the somewhat compliment of “I don’t know how you did it.” Is that them noticing I just didn’t kill anyone or is that them saying I did a good job even with the hardships. Was it hardships? It was just life. The life I decided was going to be my path. I grew up around kids, having kids around is not a struggle. Giving them your attention is where we struggle as adults. I gave my kids and still find I’m giving my whole self to every bit of their days. Could I do more, absolutely. Do I need to allow them to see they can do more, absolutely.

There was a news report once of a child that was left alone who had been eating uncooked pasta. I laugh because if I ever left my toddler daughter alone where she had to fend for herself, she would’ve had a three course meal made. It was just who we were. I gave them a verbal list of the tasks and purchases we needed to accomplish at pick up time in the evening and they would remind me of all the things I told them in the morning. My son knew everyone at the grocery store and chatted them up with a big smile.

We did cheap dinner picnics at our favorite parks, we played lots of games, we dressed up as pirates and princesses frequently, both dressing up as either.  We just did fun our way, our little family way. It was never trying to keep up with other parents. There is no need for all of that as long as you keep them clean, respectful, rested, fed and happy.

Being a single mom means extra trips to the car, double the awareness of where they are and what they are getting themselves into. It is hard because you’re tired. I am still tired. I have worked so hard to give them the best life I could. They have become such amazing teenagers. They are still teenagers do not doubt that for one second.

They were great babies, one nursed the other one wasn’t getting enough, you do what you can but sometimes you just can’t nurse.  One needed speech therapy and tubes in their ears multiple times, we just got it done. One has allergies that flare up when seasons change, we sat on the porch stoop many of nights wrapped up in a blanket to breathe in that air they suggest with croup. One you could hear all the way across the park and one was just quiet and polite at almost all times. I could’ve put myself into a suffering state where life was such a challenge but I chose not to. I just made it work. Juggling two lives and trying to live your own life is possible with the right mental state.

Children are not born with the trait of complaining. They learn that from their surroundings. Give them positive surroundings.

Children reflect what they see. If you are a bully, they will be a bully. If you aren’t happy they aren’t happy. If you treat others shitty because you think it makes you look better or feel better, they will treat others shitty. Be a good example. No matter what age they are, they are listening and watching.

Children are not born entitled, they learn that when you give to them instead of teaching them to earn.  I am not perfect in this, my kids get a lot before they earn it, however they know, trust me.

Children learn manners when you expect manners, they learn boundaries when you expect boundaries, they learn love when you give them love. They learn respect when you tell them and show them they will get respect when they show respect. Again, I am not perfect and we still learn lessons weekly at our house.

Children WANT parents even when their mouths say they don’t. It gets tough and it might stay tough for a while, but in the end they will know the who, what, when, where, why and how it was being their mom. They will love you even more for it.

I tell mine I will stand up for you no matter what but do not make me regret it. If I stand up for you I will not be made into a liar. I know my children pretty darn well. As I write that I truly hope for my hearts sake and my mental state that I am saying that in confidence. I am human and so are they. Humans are supposed to make mistakes that is how we learn.

I wasn’t exactly sure where this was going to go, I may add more later. If you are reading this, single mom, co-parenting mom, or single dad even. Just know I got you. I truly understand. I will never judge.

.. well unless you live off the system, have a dog and professional nails, then I will judge you all day long. I may or may not be joking.

PS: I am fully aware that are cases where a single parent cannot work, or put on clothes other than pajamas, this wasn’t the space to get into all the reasons, I know you are out there, I got you too.

 

 

I am on the struggle bus lately. I’ve been out of the workout regimen for a while now and I can’t explain why in simplicity.

Things I know.

I know I am in pain. I have appointments next month to deal with this possible psoriatic arthritis. I have always struggled with back pain. I have hip issues. I get shin splints in a snap. I carry all of my tension in my neck and shoulders and that creates all kinds of hell in my upper body. Here’s the thing, I know what helps (hurts later, but helps) and I just cannot seem to get myself to go workout. There shouldn’t be any excuses. I started a shot today, I really don’t like being on meds, however I am very much over this constant pain. I will give it a shot, no pun intended.

I know I am in a rut. I have never been good at relationships. I am a shitty girlfriend. My two top love languages are Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. You can look those up if you are not familiar. I cannot explain in anyway possible than to say I need someone to bear with me and my self defeat by cheering me on more than most. This stems from never feeling good about myself. I work(ed) so hard to be a duck with my owns words and thoughts in the past 5 years and it takes just the snap of the fingers to fall right back into the past. I am fueled by energy, I thrive off of conquering anything I set my mind to and I LOVE to find things accomplished to make my life easier at home. Should I have to remind myself to set my expectations low to not be disappointed in what I think a significant other is capable of.

I can confirm being a shitty girlfriend because I clearly have yet to have a successful relationship. I crave enthusiasm and that just is hard to find and I can only create so much of my own before being dragged into the dungeons of blah. I want support and with a world of people so involved in themselves that trait is also hard to find. I recently allowed myself to be completely vulnerable and said open heart thoughts of how I don’t feel good at anything, including being in relationships. I got slammed by the words, “Oh, so its not just me.” AYFKM. (are you fucking kidding me!) I am pouring out myself to you and you don’t think anything other than about yourself!? I give. I said out loud that exact thought and it just wasn’t received. I just can’t.

Relationships take a tremendous amount of work. I have said before I am blunt. If you want truth bring your questions to me. It might sting at first but at least I am not lying to you. I feel like that is a strength in my personality. I am never going to fib, girls you can trust me when you ask, “Does my butt look big in these jeans?” However having a big butt is AMAZING these days! (so many song lyrics running in my brain right now!)

When I was married we had what I refer to as a Facebook Faux relationship. The grand vacations, the sweet amenities of a business credit card. Nice vehicles, weekend getaways, smiles. I’m pretty sure I just said I wasn’t a liar.. but I TOTALLY Facebook lied. I smiled when I needed to and looked pretty when I had to. I super apologize for my FIBS. Lets just say if you have read prior posts you know how that faux relationship ended. Its all good, life gives us lemons to teach us lessons. I am 100 about what he and I went through and I am 100 I will never put myself or my teens through what I dragged them though.

Frequently I look back at how much I have put my kids through. Being a single mom is no joke. Those two are 22 months apart. I chased away shitty relationships for my own self care and I am one tough cookie but most of all one damn lucky Momma that the Universe allowed me to be their mom. I wouldn’t change my life for all the money in the world. They are my rocks.. I am just the fence they hold on to.

I will end now on the thought of working on finding peace in my own self to be constructive in my relationships with others. I will think before I speak. I will TRY to remain calm. I will TRY to allow the craziest things that drive me to tie myself to the tracks a moment or two before I speak. I will continue to develop my patience. I will still honor myself in all the ways.

I can do this. XO

 

and I’m a shopaholic. I’m a momaholic. I’m a homebodyaholic. I might be a cookieaholic..and someone somewhere might tell you I am a vegetableaholic.

The Humpty Dance lyrics pop into my head. “So just let me introduce myself
My name is Humpty, pronounced with a “umpty”.. and I’ll stop chair dancing..ok NOW you see where the random come in.

I am 40. I grew up and have spent 99.9% of my life in Montana. I will never complain about being in Montana. I love the plains because you can see from one side of the world to the other, I love the mountains because of the smell and the feeling of being small, I love the waters, fresh and clear, I have a love hate with the wind but darn it if doesn’t clear our beautiful skies, I loathe driving in the winter but that is because my commute to work is 58 miles and usually the snowplows aren’t out very far ahead of me. If I get to stay home and enjoy the sparkle of snow then I’ll even admit I love that a little too. If you aren’t from here depending on where you are in the Big Sky state you might have to find that love, but you will if you try hard enough.

I am a career woman in a mans world. I am a mother of teenagers. I am a dog mom. I am a daughter, a sister, a sister-in-law, a cousin, and an aunt. I am a friend. I am a wearer of resting bitch face. I am also full of smiles. I am the struggler of workouts. I am a lover of creating food. I am a hostess. I am quiet. I want quiet music one minute and loud the next. I am a crier when I am angry. I am always learning. I am human.

I thrive on accomplishments. Laughter fills my heart. Seeing others succeed is energizing. I am just me.. is that not all we can ask of ourselves? I am sure I am missing something fabulous about myself but again.. I am human.

Nice to meet you.

XO

Shit, I remembered something cool about me.. I can STILL after many many years say the alphabet backwards at a rather impressive speed.