I am on the struggle bus lately. I’ve been out of the workout regimen for a while now and I can’t explain why in simplicity.

Things I know.

I know I am in pain. I have appointments next month to deal with this possible psoriatic arthritis. I have always struggled with back pain. I have hip issues. I get shin splints in a snap. I carry all of my tension in my neck and shoulders and that creates all kinds of hell in my upper body. Here’s the thing, I know what helps (hurts later, but helps) and I just cannot seem to get myself to go workout. There shouldn’t be any excuses. I started a shot today, I really don’t like being on meds, however I am very much over this constant pain. I will give it a shot, no pun intended.

I know I am in a rut. I have never been good at relationships. I am a shitty girlfriend. My two top love languages are Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. You can look those up if you are not familiar. I cannot explain in anyway possible than to say I need someone to bear with me and my self defeat by cheering me on more than most. This stems from never feeling good about myself. I work(ed) so hard to be a duck with my owns words and thoughts in the past 5 years and it takes just the snap of the fingers to fall right back into the past. I am fueled by energy, I thrive off of conquering anything I set my mind to and I LOVE to find things accomplished to make my life easier at home. Should I have to remind myself to set my expectations low to not be disappointed in what I think a significant other is capable of.

I can confirm being a shitty girlfriend because I clearly have yet to have a successful relationship. I crave enthusiasm and that just is hard to find and I can only create so much of my own before being dragged into the dungeons of blah. I want support and with a world of people so involved in themselves that trait is also hard to find. I recently allowed myself to be completely vulnerable and said open heart thoughts of how I don’t feel good at anything, including being in relationships. I got slammed by the words, “Oh, so its not just me.” AYFKM. (are you fucking kidding me!) I am pouring out myself to you and you don’t think anything other than about yourself!? I give. I said out loud that exact thought and it just wasn’t received. I just can’t.

Relationships take a tremendous amount of work. I have said before I am blunt. If you want truth bring your questions to me. It might sting at first but at least I am not lying to you. I feel like that is a strength in my personality. I am never going to fib, girls you can trust me when you ask, “Does my butt look big in these jeans?” However having a big butt is AMAZING these days! (so many song lyrics running in my brain right now!)

When I was married we had what I refer to as a Facebook Faux relationship. The grand vacations, the sweet amenities of a business credit card. Nice vehicles, weekend getaways, smiles. I’m pretty sure I just said I wasn’t a liar.. but I TOTALLY Facebook lied. I smiled when I needed to and looked pretty when I had to. I super apologize for my FIBS. Lets just say if you have read prior posts you know how that faux relationship ended. Its all good, life gives us lemons to teach us lessons. I am 100 about what he and I went through and I am 100 I will never put myself or my teens through what I dragged them though.

Frequently I look back at how much I have put my kids through. Being a single mom is no joke. Those two are 22 months apart. I chased away shitty relationships for my own self care and I am one tough cookie but most of all one damn lucky Momma that the Universe allowed me to be their mom. I wouldn’t change my life for all the money in the world. They are my rocks.. I am just the fence they hold on to.

I will end now on the thought of working on finding peace in my own self to be constructive in my relationships with others. I will think before I speak. I will TRY to remain calm. I will TRY to allow the craziest things that drive me to tie myself to the tracks a moment or two before I speak. I will continue to develop my patience. I will still honor myself in all the ways.

I can do this. XO