Let me see if I can get through this without a total breakdown.

This life. I love this life. However I have said in prior posts I have never been truly happy. Simply put I do not believe there was ever a time where I felt good about me.

I was rather active growing up. I played outside. I competed in sports. Our family spent time outdoors. I know I roller skated a lot, so much so one time my name got announced over the loud speaker at Wheels West for being the “fastest on the floor!” I have never figured out how they knew my name, but I remember vividly there were carpeted pillars that stuck out from the walls of the rink and this mom had her arm up on the wall helping her child skate. I was so super cool then I skated under her arm like a little trick pony. I am laughing right now wondering if maybe I crashed, hit my head and just think my name was announced?!? Maybe I dreamt it. I will never know the real story, so I am just going to keep on thinking how incredibly awesome it was to get my name announced over the loud speaker. Those years I truly thought I was happy.

High school was brutal. I think back and wonder if I was just really hard on myself. Did I have the anxiety I do now and not realize? I always thought I was confident enough on the outside and hid the mental struggle of hating myself well enough to just get through all the days without anyone knowing the thoughts that ran around in my head every single day. I was never good enough, but I thought I was happy.

After graduation I feel like I used a few vices to numb trying to get through life. I can admit I do one of two things, work my ass off so I don’t have time to be around others or even have to make plans or socialize, or make the plans and numb myself to the point of not caring about my actions or my surroundings. I thought I was happy then too.

Dropping out of culinary school about 1999-2000, going back to my favorite catering/restaurant job, getting pregnant, getting into my favorite insurance job and keeping busy doing all the mom things, I have always been up and down in weight, up and down in size, and up and down in happiness.

As I have grown I realize you only get one chance to take care of yourself. I have done allllllllll the things to “diet” or magically melt into a puddle of promises by taking a miracle pill. One time I felt ok. One time I was able to lose 50lbs and I was running a bit here and there. I know the difference from all the other times and that one time. I had a support system. Was I happy?

In 2008, I was hired and being sent to a law enforcement academy. I had gained most of that 50lbs back. Here I was again hoping to conquer that life long struggle. I wasn’t at my best when I went but I graduated the four month course without struggle. The physical aspects of the training were a mandatory run, defensive tactics, tactical shooting courses, being sprayed with pepper spray, handcuffing and baton courses. The physical training included a variety of hard work outs. It was the standard idea of test the students at the beginning and test them towards the end to see the improvements. The run we had to actually be under a certain time, that I passed the first time out. I have never been afraid of a hard workout. I rather enjoy lifting, medicine ball routines, heavy bag punching and kick boxing days, and even the occasional spin class with an instructor that liked to jam to loud Irish music. I enjoy an awesome grueling workout, there is something about being all sweaty and red faced that makes me feel badass. I will admit that feeling after a good workout makes me so flipping happy.

All 40yrs of my life knowing I was a “big girl” hurt but being told I was a “big girl” hurts more. You truly remember those words all the way down to your core. The fact that someone thought it was okay to say it to my face, no matter what point in life you are in, is yet another issue with our perception of others being jaded.

All of that to say “big girls” aren’t always “overweight and out of shape.” They aren’t always lazy and careless with taking care of themselves. SOME of those big girls are rather tough inside and out and its society that brings them down. It takes a strong person to overcome the bull crap society has created and for us to learn to love ourselves. We can be strong. We can be active. We can work hard. We may not be noticeably toned or fall under that dumb label of being skinny. We were born to be badass and if you can’t see that then the issue lies within you.

I have been a part of a workout community for over three years and before that I was hitting the gym at work hard doing both cardio and weights. Embarrassed to be in the gym with other coworkers, I wouldn’t go if they were there or I would go outside and run/walk for my time. Eventually I gained a little bit more confidence and maybe even some respect from the others. I was never getting results. I wasn’t gaining much for happiness either.

The workout community brought a whole new level to this adventure. Guess what! They were easily accessible at home away from the judgements. They are hard workouts if I want them to be with weights or HIIT among many other options. There are low intensity workouts as well as yoga, dancing, even 20 minutes in and out. There wasn’t room for excuses with all of those options. For a while I downloaded the programs and did them at work as well as going home and doing another one, doubling up on calorie download. I worked so flipping hard. Barely seeing any results. For years the scale has stayed the same which to be honest isn’t my worry. Again, being that “big girl” the scale has never said anything but a number. However I felt better about me. My skin was brighter. My sleep was so good. My mood was better. Things were looking up. Results were still not very noticeable, and no one did the wanted, “Dang girl you are looking so good!” Still struggling with happiness.

Then the pain started. I have always had back issues. I have always had wrist issues. My knees got rough. I was just pushing and pushing until I finally had to talk myself into a really long break. The dreaded phone calls to doctors became something necessary and I do not “do” doctors. Blech!

I had to remind myself I am 40. I shouldn’t ignore this much pain. So I went. Arthritis is all they say I have in my lower back, thank you epidurals and spinal taps for your generosity. My wrists are old injuries that flare up, no big deal, however sucks to plank and even try to do pushups. I started a psoriasis medicine that has given me those guaranteed extra pounds and a referral to an arthritis doctor expecting psoriatic arthritis diagnosis. Ten years of awful psoriasis all over my body I blame on stress of this job since it started AT THE ACADEMY! Grrr, Stress is the devil.

Well its not psoriatic arthritis but those sweet spots he poked on me, they call them trigger points told doc something else. The elbow pain I had been experiencing even just driving. The constant neck and shoulder pain I usually blamed on tension. The IT band pain around my knee straining into my shins causing immediate shin splints depending on the workout. My lower back, my hips everyone always thought was Sciatica, and that horrible awful tight spot where your bra fastens between the shoulder blades but right in the middle of your back when all you want to do is for someone to grab your scapulas and pull them away from each other hoping it would pop. All of those tender spots that aren’t actually joints were/are on fire. En Fuego! Not a burning feeling but damn they all hurt and I truly have been suffering for a very long time from what I am being told is Fibromyalgia.

It is one of those umbrella diagnosis I think that doctors can tell you, give you a prescription and get you on your merry way, but I have read enough now to think for once maybe I found a good doctor. I haven’t really processed it all yet. I may go and get second opinions. I will admit it threw me a million feet backwards in my world. My world of finding happiness in hard workouts and being active and just go-go-go all of the time came to a stutter stepping halt.

I won’t get into the whole what I have to do or what I should do and how it all works. There are so many in our world that suffer from hidden chronic pain. It is an epidemic. It also saddens me to no end that something somewhere as we grew up has created this havoc of humans suffering day in and day out. (Totally different conversation, maybe someday)

When a doctor tells you the goal is to get “More good days than bad.” (Hang on … this is where I was hoping not to breakdown)…

The throat lump appears because that hits home. That hits me right in the chest, because it is so bleeping true. You truly have to put so much effort in to feel just okay, and the days you feel good you want to do everything you can and when you do too much you crash… hard. I am supposed to be an active mom, an adventurous woman, a fun auntie running around and playing crazy games, I am supposed to be fit, fabulous and awesomely inspiring to myself and others, how can I be in this much pain and limited energy and be who I grew up wanting to be.

I will find my way of handing this, I have a few things I have been doing here and there. Winter is a yatch and I am a bear, but I anxiously await spring and look forward to warmth and sunshine. I will be alright. I have to get over this slump and get back into moving forward.

I firmly believe that I can be better than this diagnosis. I was raised tough. I am tough. I can deal with the pain in order to find happiness. “Big Girls” are some tough mofo’s friends.. We will do what we set our minds to. We may need you to accept us “as is” because you know what, you NEVER know what lies underneath this body.

Let us bring more love in to the world by learning acceptance. Accepting that some may not physically appear in pain, and some of those “big girls” can hold their own, accepting that you truly never know how your words cut, and your looks sting. You never know how hard it was for that person to get out of bed, and you never know how awesome their soul is if you choose to judge them from the outside first and never take the time to get to know the inside.

I find hope and strength in that soon I will again put myself out there doing my thing, posting on Insta or Facebook my sweaty selfies, but this time I get to know I am doing it for myself and doing it for others who suffer from chronic pain. I believe someday I will make a difference in my life and hopefully others who share the same struggle. Would love to hear from you, please reach out if you are reading this!

I will find happiness in health, mind and body. I will not lose ME in the walls of a diagnosis.