Well..well..well, a decade ending. As I was driving home after work yesterday I had a thought and remembered I started a blog once, so I would try to write about something as we enter 2020. This will be nothing in the category of profound, FYI.

Pride (noun)

– A feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one’s own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired.

– Consciousness of one’s own dignity

– Confidence and self-respect as expressed by members of a group, typically one that has been socially marginalized, on the basis of their shared identity, culture, and experience.

– The best state or condition of something; the prime.

Or the Verb usage

– be especially proud of (a particular quality or skill).

Sounds like a really cool feeling if you ask me! However, perception of pride sometimes creates negativity and I don’t like it. How something that sounds so wonderful is deemed to be cocky, or stuck-up, or sometimes even called crazy? How does something so outstanding put you on the outskirts? It says right there, feeling as if you are in your prime. Why do I feel like being outwardly proud of something or someone gets judged in a negative light?

I’ll be honest here sometimes I think about the work I have put into raising my children. I think about where I am in life. I think about what I have, not only at my grasp but also what I have in my surroundings and in my soul and I wish things were different. I do not regret any choices I have made but sometimes I wish I was surrounded by more positivity and wonder if I could find a way to survive AND show pride, be accepted and still feel like I make a difference. What changes could I make that would create energy in my soul.

We all say, “I am proud of my kids no matter what.” Can you FEEL it? I do. TO.THE.CORE. On the daily I think about my children and tears well up in my eyes. It was not always easy. I never expected it to be. To wade with me and grow into the humans they are, I am in awe.  I could not be more proud to be called Mom. I am not super proud when I get called Mom in a very loud manner from the bottom of the stairs but I’ll pick my battles. I look back at some of the changes the three of us have made, adapted to, and conquered with our heads held high and am so grateful for those two children of mine its beyond words. They aren’t always proud of me, but I will always be proud of them and I don’t care who chooses to judge me in any way when it comes to how I have chosen to wade through motherhood. Clearly those who judge should be more self-present, if you have time to judge me you must be missing out on something you could be proud of for yourself.

Should we be in a job that makes us proud, probably?  I used to be. I would be excited to put on the uniform. I would be excited to see what the day’s adventures held for me. I was excited to do the job I was hired to do. I haven’t changed jobs and the pride has dwindled. The environment at my job is toxic. The toxicity comes from the top and like lava it slowly moves down and takes you out. Remember that game of telephone? You learn not to trust anyone, different writing, not anything pride worthy. Moving on!

What I want to express is that if you are a person who chooses the negative vibe on a daily basis, keep it to yourself. You have no business ruining other people’s perception of pride and not allowing them to be themselves. If you don’t like someone, move away from them. If you don’t like that a happy person is around you, guess what… TOO EFFING BAD. We don’t need your glares, or your gossip. Go tell someone who cares and even then good luck. No one wants your piss poor attitude around, not only does it smell like trash, it brings “the toxic” everywhere you go and why would you want your brain to have to live in a barrel of trash every single day. Pull your head out. A) It could be worse B) It’s not that bad C) Being negative is the easy way out. Give yourself the challenge of setting a better mindset each morning. It is a choice.

With that said, personally, I have suffered. I feel as if I have to box up my personality just to not be treated different or be misunderstood, to fit in.  I have to quiet my feelings, thoughts and adjust my opinions. Unfortunately it doesn’t just stay at work either. That constant feeling of being misunderstood goes two ways. At first I become aloof, like, “Are you serious right now?” you could not have even listened (or read) to what I said. Then I separate myself from them, this takes a toll on a day. Next I get sad because I am not that complex of a person, where is it I am so misunderstood. Do others fear a confident, pride bearing woman? I have to chalk it up to others creating their own conclusions based on their expectations. Just because it doesn’t go along with what you think or want to say doesn’t mean I am wrong. Hearing something other than what you may think you should be hearing should NOT create misunderstandings. Everyone’s expectations are different that doesn’t make them stupid. Maybe this New Year I’ll choose to not allow others to dull my shine. It takes a lot to continuously remind myself that I am just not for some.

Pride is family. Not all are lucky enough to have a family like I do. I have written about cousins, parents and siblings before, but the boyfriend, sister-in-laws, nieces and the nephew as well as the friends that have stuck by my side for many years bring a sense of pride.  All of these folks really make a heart happy. With happy comes pride. Very few times do I feel like I disappoint this group I call family, I don’t always love myself but I do know I can surround myself with these happy people and regain some happy if I need it.

This circle around the word pride as I drove down the interstate created some questions and I just felt the need to put it down on paper. I am not sure how you all feel about the perception of pride but if you just read this now you know how I feel. I am realizing I am going to go into 2020 working really hard on not caring how others perceive my pride. I will work hard on staying true to myself not only for myself but to represent those that want to choose happy, proud and remember that we all have our expectations. Try not to dull others because you expect, or expected something to go differently. Choose pride. Choose kind. Choose positivity. And if none of those jump at you as things that are important to you then I hope you choose to keep your distance. #wedontwantyourtoxic

2019, you were a snack. Bring on the full meal 2020!