It’s been about a year since I’ve written. I guess it’s safe to say that it was probably best I kept my 2020 thoughts to myself.

A glimpse of notes in my notepad I saved during the changes of a pandemic driven lifestyle.

Nov 28, 2020 – I don’t see it. I hear it exists but I don’t let it into my heart. I am aware of the pain some don’t have control over. Those that are freaking out because they feel lost. I don’t see it. I guess I surround myself with the right persons, the right accounts. I’ve learned to not listen to the hate and continue to learn and teach. I don’t see it because I choose not to. It’s my choice and it feels good that I am not being swallowed by the wave of emotions some are feeling. I’m proud of myself for continuing to do good work for my brain and my heart. I send hope. I encourage you to unfollow those who cause you pain not just in social media and media, unfollow those who cause you pain with their actions and their words. You can be okay. I believe in you. I care hard. I’ll be here always. 

Ahhh the good ol’ notepad. Moving on… 

If I could choose one word to put value to 2020 it would be reconnection.

Not only have I reconnected with some awesome friends from my past I have most importantly reconnected with my own self. I spent the last 6 months of 2020 as a single woman. I spent the last 6 months learning to be who I want to be and no one can tell me any different. I don’t need society or peer pressure to choose my path. I can make changes without judgement. Or should I say, without CARING about the judgement. I can be happy when I choose. I can sleep when I want to sleep. I can breathe when I want to breathe. I can smile when I want to smile. And you know what else, I can also cry when I want to cry. I can be quiet without being questioned. I can feel what I want to feel and when I want to feel it, and I can react to those feelings as I see fit. Tell me I’m selfish and I’ll agree, because selfish in my heart is a positive attribute as long as it is in the right context.

I spent time freeing myself of the self-isolation of never knowing. Never knowing what each day would bring, never knowing if saying something would trigger others. It feels so damn good to put myself first. Reconnecting with someone I may have never even known. I know so much of that comes with growth.  I’ve spent years waiting for someone to come along to be proud of me, to lift me up when I needed it most and to be excited about life by my side. I have learned to be proud of myself. I’ve taught myself ways of lifting my spirits when it’s needed or forcing myself to push through hard times even when it’s easier to stay in bed. I am excited about life and all I can do is hope that by sharing that I am able to spread that to others. 

I say out loud to others that I am aware I am not easy to love. I’ll be completely honest, I have thoughts and proof on where I fail. I know I’ve never pushed myself to be completely with another. Someday maybe I’ll accidentally find someone that allows me to feel supported and vulnerable without tension and guilt. I know now that I cannot be loved my others if I do not love myself completely. I have known for a while that is true, no excuses but I mean I guess you just have to assume it wasn’t meant to be. There is still work to do that is for darn sure. I don’t really want to be single the rest of my life, I think I have a side to me that no one has even seen. In June I met with a spiritual medium, she started off immediately with you know you are an empath right? I said, “I do, but don’t you dare tell anyone” I don’t imagine I’ll ever be able to bring myself to put into words (that others could read) the deep thoughts I find myself day dreaming about. Keep those feet grounded woman! No one wants to know your cheesy unrealistic dreams! If I ever do decide to date (literally feel my throat close just saying that, ugh!) I will share some non-negotiables that my therapist suggested I write down. (and stick to!) Here goes nothing! 2021 a year to be more vulnerable than ever I guess, gulp!

Non-negotiables: Friendly/Open, Energetic, Positive, Show empathy, Engaging, Pleasant to others, Supportive, Respectful

I read those to a best guy friend and he said you better add honest, communicative and loyal, so I did.

I also have “clean” and that one just makes me laugh, I am sure I wasn’t thinking like hygiene even though that is important of course, I just think I mean conscience of the little things, the “adulting” part of life we all have to do even if we don’t want to. I really don’t know what I meant by that but I won’t take it off the list because one of these days it will make sense.

And there you have it friends.. this post wasn’t going to go that direction but there it went..laid it all out there. Ha!

What will I do in 2021? 2020 has shown the beginning of the adjustment of what my future holds. I’m terrified. Terrified that the loneliness that I sometimes feel could take me away in 2021. I HATE sitting alone during meals, I do it but damned if I’m getting used to it. It simply is the worst. A person loses their identity once they spend 20 years being “mom.” I don’t have a life! I laugh because it’s true. Most of the time I am completely content with a quiet, simple, easy life of just me, however I don’t remember how to be that person. TG for therapy!! The things that therapy has helped me through is the toughest part of being a single mother, when the time of life settling down arrives. No more games to attend, no more projects to stay up late working on, no more birthday parties or sleepovers. No more banquets or music concerts. The calendar becomes empty. I find peace when I scroll through my calendar and there is nothing, however it truly is an adjustment when the kids grow up and don’t need you as much as they did. I’m staying positive as I look forward to spending some time with them making memories in the future as we all adapt and change into our next family chapter. I really should say as I am a part of their next chapters. I hope they remember my existence! 

My therapist suggested working on finding a hobby and some friends. I laugh now because as I type that it sounds so simple. Ummmmmmmmmmmm. It’s not! I found a side hustle to work as a hobby and in that I have found some amazing friends. I can feel the energy in my body rise just typing that last sentence, it has been such an amazing ride already and it’s only just begun! 

All in all, 2020 wasn’t half bad. I am aware others had different experiences, trust me, we are all very much not the same, and that is okay. I, personally, was able to get some much appreciated down time. I supposed getting broken up with during a suggested social distanced situation may have helped. I didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything. If I didn’t go anywhere it was a good thing.  I was able to hunker down and reconnect with some feelings. I was able to slow down and really feel the “warmth of the sun on my face.” 

I look forward to 2021. I will continue to reconnect with the energy I know I am meant to have. I will continue to find success in relearning who I am. I will continue to be excited to grow into a new stage of our family. I will have ups and downs, moments where I choose quiet time over my renewed energy, but I’ll be honest, I couldn’t be more okay with that. Never once was I told life was going to be easy, I wouldn’t want it to be easy. I thrive off of adventure and finding success in accomplishments. All I can do is keep living for myself and be those non-negotiables for my children as they grow into their adult lives. I can’t expect someone else to have those qualities if I don’t have them myself.  As we all know, we are ALL a work in progress. Are you challenging yourself?