A new post after throwing myself out there is very hard to put on paper. I have driven up and down the highway thinking of topics, how I felt about them, where I should go from here, who do I want to reach.

I am a mom. Let me try topic number #11 in this sea foam green book. I’ve never started a list from the top and I read magazines from the back to front, so let me see where this takes us!

#11 Single Mommin’ It

I technically became a mom around New Year’s 2001. Ask me if I knew in April.. NOPE! There were no signs and nothing had gone missing ah hem so it never crossed my mind. I was gaining weight but I also was not taking care of myself so Old Navy’s clearance section had become my best friend. I went and purchased these men’s grey workout pants to go play softball in. I am sure I threw a bunch of negative self-talk at myself for allowing myself to become such a fat ass. And off I went to meet up with the team.

ONE DRINK of a jack and coke and I had to run out of the bar and I threw up everywhere. I knew what was up right then and there.

The sweetest person I know, Sarah, had quite the look on her face when I said “Will you do me a favor tonight. Will you get pregnancy tests and come over to the place I am house sitting.” I will never forget taking that test with her and eating Arby’s. My life just threw me a twist. I know we giggled and she said “JAMIE” more than once. Ahh sweet SB how I love you.

All of the things happened in the next five months. I told my parents, everyone else gets to finding out, I napped, I ate medium mostly rare steaks with lettuce and ranch, I napped, I shopped, I wore homemade muumuus, I was happy, I napped.

I remember some key points to being pregnant with my daughter. I did not tell her father until I knew what gender the baby was. I remember him telling me he would call me back. I remember him telling me his Dad watched his face become ghost white. I remember he gave up a lot to come to Montana to be a Dad. If you have read my other posts you know how that went.

I remember the baby shower. Wow, she was spoiled! The insane amount of love that girl received and still receives is incredible. I have and cherish the handmade quilts, the picture frames, the stuffed animals she won’t let me part with. After the shower my aunts came over to my little house. One aunt saw that my humongous pregnant self was sleeping on mattresses on the floor. I had a bed frame the next day.

I didn’t have a phone while I was pregnant. It was one of my favorite parts. I went to work, ran my errands and went home. I got to sleep when I wanted and as long as I wanted anytime I wanted with zero distractions. Oh how I love to sleep.

This is making my nerves bind to put this down but it is my story, my life and I live how I choose so here it goes. One of the hardest things I have ever put myself through was being told I had to do a paternity test. Since I am an honest person, the state required it in order to do all the state things. I wasn’t exactly making the big bucks to support myself and my daughter so yes the system helped me through the rough times. I KNEW the answer by looking at her, but unfortunately my philosophy wasn’t a qualifying determination. I felt terrible about myself. I was right by the way! I remember after it was all done, running into the family of the friend that wasn’t the match. I could feel their vibes and read their minds. They were thinking holy crap this baby is so cute we wish she was part of our family! You know who you are and always know that even if that wasn’t your thoughts, I appreciate your respect and your love even to this day.

One of the comments I heard while I was registering at the hospital for her birth was from a high school acquaintance and the nurse who happened to be working with me. She said to me something to the tune of how glad she was to see me healthy, that she had heard I was quite the partier and was just glad to see I was doing well. Those aren’t her exact words but I’m not going to put those in writing. She didn’t hurt my feelings, she did open my eyes.

That little bald beautiful girl was born healthy and on her own time. I had so much support during all of my pregnancy and afterwards. She was loved, beautiful and awesome. I was actually really happy to not have to share her. I got to name her myself, I got to do everything myself, it was great. I wanted to call her what her name is and I was pulling all these big names to use and then nickname her. Eventually I was like this is dumb, I will just name her what I want to call her anyways! Why do we have to be all fancy?

I am proud to say that even though she wasn’t born in societies “perfect” world expectations I never felt judged or as if others were saying things behind my back. I am sure there were some words that would hurt me to know however I was happy, she was my world, I didn’t need anyone else to rain on my parade.

I do laugh because I NEVER would go anywhere by myself especially to like rent a movie (yes I am that old!) Once I had that pregnant belly I was with someone. Once I had that car seat with the cutest little girl in the world in it, I proudly rented videos to go home and watch alone.

I had help of course no one can do it on their own. However I did it on my own 98% of the time.

When I got pregnant with my son I was in a relationship. I did get engaged to his dad. I’m trying to remember the timeline on all of that but it really isn’t important.

I ate a lot of Dairy Queen. Luckily I didn’t gain near the weight with this pregnancy. I am not a small person so my weight has always been crazy up and honestly crazy down. Just depends on what I have going on.

Since I was in a relationship I feel like it was easier but I truly cannot remember much of it. Do you find yourself blocking out memories of lives you had.

We had the fun stuff, the finding out it was a boy, shopping for a little boy, and I don’t really remember a shower. I am really blanking right now about being pregnant with him. Yikes! Mom Fail!

I know I was laboring all day. I had to get a grooms cake baked and delivered. I was shopping for the ingredients and having contractions. I baked a delicious German chocolate cake from scratch and got it delivered to the party. We stopped by my parents and were playing some Mancala and the contractions were rather timely. My fiancé was beside himself when my mom asked if she should keep my little girl because it appeared that baby boy was going to arriving sometime in the night. Good plan by my mother.

I labored at home as long as I could possibly handle the pain and then took a shower. When I went into labor with my daughter it was awful being at the hospital that long so I was going to stay home as long as I possibly could with my son.  I woke his Dad up with enough time to get dressed and get us to the hospital. I remember we laughed because it was two in the morning and we were passing our friends that were out as we were heading to have our kid. We also discussed the names we had picked out and both the names we had liked flew out the window on our way to the hospital and it was decided then his name would be what it is. I love his name! He was pretty funny when he realized his sister had a palindrome name and he wanted me to change his name to Racecar. Share my blog if you “get it”, wink.

So here is the single mom stuff. That fiancé didn’t take me to the altar. The relationship went really sour. The friendship even more sour. Life was always drama and never ever easy. The co-parenting life is beyond exhausting if there is drama. People.. listen.. it does not have to be that way! You can easily raise a child without being evil to each other. Drop me an email if you need any advice. I cannot preach this enough, you are only hurting the child. It is not worth it, ever. You are just wasting energy that can be put into your child’s time with you. Give them your all.

I was a single mom of two littles, working full time, doing a little friendly catering on the side, trying to afford child care and gas to get them ran around, and put food on the table with a huge heat bill in the winter and a sauna of a house in the summer. I loved that house. It was my great aunts house and I probably have never been able to say thank you enough to have the privilege of living there for so long. I grew up a lot in that house. I would put bets on the fact that the neighbors most likely appreciated the latter me than the earlier me.

I was on state assistance. Never food stamps, but the kids had WIC. We were helped with daycare costs through a program called Family Connections.  It never ceased to amaze me the quality of life some of the mothers in those waiting rooms had chosen. I am sorry, there is zero excuse for your child to be in pajamas at a 2:00 appointment. I won’t mention the parents in the pajamas. Insert eye roll. You can tell me all day long you didn’t choose to have that life, but you did. If I can hold a job, and take care of two littles, so can you. You might have to get off your couch.

We lived a block away from low income housing. We would go on walks by houses with new cars, big screen televisions on their walls watching cable, pets, and the trash cans after holidays full of the packaging of opened gifts.. Don’t even get me started! I could barely qualify for that day care assistance, didn’t have cable, I wasn’t out getting my nails done, and I certainly wasn’t buying elaborate gifts. There was no way we could have afforded pets. One time we got goldfish and the kids thought they needed a bubble bath. Fish don’t like to breathe soap. Take note. Anyways I will step down, but know that I was working my ass off, doing everything for my kids, and struggling while I watched the system get taken advantage of around the block. My kids got rainbow goldfish crackers or special cereal as gifts. They had plenty don’t get me wrong, we have a lot of family that loves them very much.

It is pretty frequently I get the somewhat compliment of “I don’t know how you did it.” Is that them noticing I just didn’t kill anyone or is that them saying I did a good job even with the hardships. Was it hardships? It was just life. The life I decided was going to be my path. I grew up around kids, having kids around is not a struggle. Giving them your attention is where we struggle as adults. I gave my kids and still find I’m giving my whole self to every bit of their days. Could I do more, absolutely. Do I need to allow them to see they can do more, absolutely.

There was a news report once of a child that was left alone who had been eating uncooked pasta. I laugh because if I ever left my toddler daughter alone where she had to fend for herself, she would’ve had a three course meal made. It was just who we were. I gave them a verbal list of the tasks and purchases we needed to accomplish at pick up time in the evening and they would remind me of all the things I told them in the morning. My son knew everyone at the grocery store and chatted them up with a big smile.

We did cheap dinner picnics at our favorite parks, we played lots of games, we dressed up as pirates and princesses frequently, both dressing up as either.  We just did fun our way, our little family way. It was never trying to keep up with other parents. There is no need for all of that as long as you keep them clean, respectful, rested, fed and happy.

Being a single mom means extra trips to the car, double the awareness of where they are and what they are getting themselves into. It is hard because you’re tired. I am still tired. I have worked so hard to give them the best life I could. They have become such amazing teenagers. They are still teenagers do not doubt that for one second.

They were great babies, one nursed the other one wasn’t getting enough, you do what you can but sometimes you just can’t nurse.  One needed speech therapy and tubes in their ears multiple times, we just got it done. One has allergies that flare up when seasons change, we sat on the porch stoop many of nights wrapped up in a blanket to breathe in that air they suggest with croup. One you could hear all the way across the park and one was just quiet and polite at almost all times. I could’ve put myself into a suffering state where life was such a challenge but I chose not to. I just made it work. Juggling two lives and trying to live your own life is possible with the right mental state.

Children are not born with the trait of complaining. They learn that from their surroundings. Give them positive surroundings.

Children reflect what they see. If you are a bully, they will be a bully. If you aren’t happy they aren’t happy. If you treat others shitty because you think it makes you look better or feel better, they will treat others shitty. Be a good example. No matter what age they are, they are listening and watching.

Children are not born entitled, they learn that when you give to them instead of teaching them to earn.  I am not perfect in this, my kids get a lot before they earn it, however they know, trust me.

Children learn manners when you expect manners, they learn boundaries when you expect boundaries, they learn love when you give them love. They learn respect when you tell them and show them they will get respect when they show respect. Again, I am not perfect and we still learn lessons weekly at our house.

Children WANT parents even when their mouths say they don’t. It gets tough and it might stay tough for a while, but in the end they will know the who, what, when, where, why and how it was being their mom. They will love you even more for it.

I tell mine I will stand up for you no matter what but do not make me regret it. If I stand up for you I will not be made into a liar. I know my children pretty darn well. As I write that I truly hope for my hearts sake and my mental state that I am saying that in confidence. I am human and so are they. Humans are supposed to make mistakes that is how we learn.

I wasn’t exactly sure where this was going to go, I may add more later. If you are reading this, single mom, co-parenting mom, or single dad even. Just know I got you. I truly understand. I will never judge.

.. well unless you live off the system, have a dog and professional nails, then I will judge you all day long. I may or may not be joking.

PS: I am fully aware that are cases where a single parent cannot work, or put on clothes other than pajamas, this wasn’t the space to get into all the reasons, I know you are out there, I got you too.